This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
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“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know