*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
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A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
What personal space?
My dog
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.