I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
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At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Finally! 😈
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.