I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
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It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude