I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
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My dog learned how to text
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.