Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
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Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
They’re not wrong