Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
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I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
How do you like your Corgi?
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed