Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
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*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
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Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*