If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
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I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
This was a bad idea all around
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief