me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
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Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will