I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
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Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend