can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
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Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Tell the colonel to bring it
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
🛁
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.