Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
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Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
socratic questions
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*