Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
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I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
found this cool rock hiking today
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The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole