found this cool rock hiking today
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They’re stuck in your pants?
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I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
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You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.