me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
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Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*