Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
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Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.
And you’ve got two faces.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]
My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.