Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
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My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
step 6: release the wall snake
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case