Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
You Might Also Like
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
mariah carrie
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
scrabbled eggs
Knock Knock
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.