scrabbled eggs
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Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work