Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
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FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
No selfies while hijacking a train.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no