Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
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“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?