Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
You Might Also Like
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.