[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
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Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11