My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
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I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
is frankincense just very honest incense?
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”