is frankincense just very honest incense?
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not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
And then there were 4
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day