Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
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When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.