my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
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Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”