Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
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11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.