kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
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[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
every. time.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent