doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
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hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Not messing around
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.