Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
You Might Also Like
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
More like Kate Missington.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.