My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
You Might Also Like
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.