“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
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Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I’m too immature for adultery.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.