I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
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My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Europe. Made in Germany.