None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
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One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t