We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
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me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.