[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
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Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Going into Monday like
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
“Wait, let me explain..”
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I love twitter
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape