*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
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Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
If you love someone, let them sleep.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.