Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
a god among men
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type