The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
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Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
This is me
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’