Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Saturday

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.