[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
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I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.