It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
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Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
somebody come look at this
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*