[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
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Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
wut hotdog?
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.