wut hotdog?
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Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Why are bridges so flammable.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?