My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
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I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
brian had himself a morning…
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.