My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
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Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.