Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
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If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Become a minion. Get that bread.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.