someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
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Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I’m literally crying
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate