Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
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Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.