Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
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The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
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Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians