@BobTheSuit

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

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@wickedblondeone

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

@PaperWash

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

@ThePhilFactor

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

@internetluke

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

@Pandamoanimum

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

@bea_ker

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

@decentbirthday

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

@ceejoyner

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

@TheCatWhisprer

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

@carlyken

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]