Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
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That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids