(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
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4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Please do it!
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
good work, detective
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”