My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
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Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.