sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
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When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
If you love someone, let them tweet.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.