Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*![]()
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Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
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“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
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Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Krampus.
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[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
This is me
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Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.