Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

*exercises sarcastically*

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.