My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
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mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
this isn’t threatening at all
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.