[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I have no passwords left in me
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.